"Anniversary Date problems can be: an unexplained lapse back into severe depression in the days before and after an Anniversary Date, illness on or around Anniversary Dates, Accidents and Injuries around Anniversary Dates, reoccurrence of any other regular PASS symptoms. Sometimes this can be unconscious - the woman doesn’t think ‘consciously’ about an upcoming date being an “Anniversary”, it’s all subconscious, and just finds herself getting any of the above mentioned problems around an Anniversary Date year after year, with no other explanation for them. Even when women recover, Anniversary Dates can still be problematic."

(source)

It’s that time of year, I suppose. I wish I didn’t want to cry over every little thing.

right as I’m going on vacation with my amazing current boyfriend and his family.

Depressed.

Having no friends makes me depressed.
Having no “home” I’m comfortable in makes me depressed.
2.5-4 hours in travel EVERYDAY makes me depressed.
The rain makes me depressed.
My food stamps expiring makes me depressed.
Being immensely under paid makes me depressed.
My boyfriend feeling like a bank makes me depressed.
All my clothes having holes in them makes me depressed.
All my shoes being so worn and broken makes me depressed.
Having no bathroom in my “home” makes me depressed.
Students graduating makes me depressed.
People having the money to shop, buy $300 dresses makes me depressed.
Pregnant women make me depressed.
Happy families make me depressed.


I am depressed.

thoughts

I suppose I haven’t done a thoughtful post in quite some time.

there’s a lot going on in this ol’ noggin.

There’s the guy I’m seeing, who’s seemingly great, but he puts alot of pressure on me and my personality (OCD, over thinking, etc) and I can’t tell yet if it’s good or bad.

the move to the mid-atlantic in general hasn’t been what I thought it would be and I’m in constant stress; again I can’t tell if that’s my own undoing and over reacting or not. work is underpaying me. I’m homesick for NY and opportunities and things happening on a big scale. I’m just. blegh.

I feel like a mangled jigsaw puzzle on the floor. that’s how I feel.

the end, end rant. sorry for the vino-vent.

I’m so sexually frustrated it hurts

Damn boys with morals.

Just fuck me/choke me/slap my ass

Spring/Summer Goals:

Go paddle boarding
Increase flexibility/acro yoga
Tone and lose weight
Kick butt at my new job
At least two new tattoos
BE HAPPY
pay bills

So much opportunity

sooo this job I applied for in DC…

Called me today with more info. Basically, they shut their DC offices but love me so much they said “Welcome to the team; I don’t know if you’ve ever considered life in Las Vegas but we m ay be moving you out here if things go well”

WHAT.

life? what is life?


EDIT: Also, one of my long time friends admitted feelings for me today and told me if I don’t move “We should be boyfriend and girlfriend” and I had to let him down not only that I’m leaving but that I only love him as a friend…

Along with my ex pronouncing his undying and omnipresent love for me…

I’m finally happy and single and life is full of land mines.

Shit’s Getting REAL

I’ve heard back from 4 of the 20 jobs I applied to in Baltimore DC. Did one phone interview that went really well, have another interview Thursday.

I just listed my apartment/room on CraigsList and have started going through my belongings an donating some, packing shoes….

and I finally start to get scared. Am I moving too fast? I’m a spontaneous person and at least I’m setting up job/s…..

AHHH NEW ADVENTURE AWAITS.

My bipolar mother makes me want to cry

She’s depressive right now. Being all around bitchy and downright hurtful to those around here.
We all shut our mouths and try to play along with her charade but it’s SO HARD to put up with how mean she is.

Why won’t she go back on medication? We just want to feel okay around her. Not like we’re the worst pieces of shit she’s ever encountered.

I’m young, and I’m in control.
Over what I eat, what I drink, who I interact with.

And someday, I won’t be. I wont be able to control the tears of my newborn. I won’t be in control of my teenagers actions. I won’t be in control of the teachers or parents or colleagues I work with.

Now is the time to relish, to be selfish, to take HOLD of the control I’m allotted.

I still miss him.

At least I’m testing my self restraint well…
It helps remembering that he doesn’t care, so why should I?
But I do.
Hate being a girl.

I opened myself up, trusted and let myself love.
I can’t keep doing that.

On the bright side to being single, it’s time to get my IUD out so my anxiety can lessen. It’ll keep me from getting too drunk or dumb and having sex. So I’m entering a relationship with my vibrator and my laptop.

Solo time, again. Sad but necessary.
I’m learning though. I really can’t trust anyone.

I just want to know WHY

Why doesn’t he want me?
Why doesn’t he care about me??
Why why why?

I wish he knew what he did to me.
That I literally can’t sleep or eat.

I feel like I’m going insane.

Every sound is the sound I want to hear
Every sound is my door opening and a familiar shuffling coming closer
But alas, it’s not